Sunday, 16 March 2014

MUHASABAH DIRI


I came to a conclusion that I’m a bad person. Okay, bad might seem too extreme choice of word to use. So hateable it is. A new word I specially invent to describe myself. When I scroll back all my blogposts, most of it was in regards of me ranting on how bad my life was. Maybe it’s because of my own attitude.

I did some thinking (I rarely think of things that are not inconsequential) on why most people hate me. And why the hell suddenly I came up with the thought of people hating me.

Listed below chronologies that led to this assumption/theory (not according to sequence due to my brain’s low memory space)

·         My BFF of many years stopped being my BFF

·         I wasn’t invited to most of my school’s friend’s wedding

·         I was never invited to any event conducted by my school’s friends

·         My colleague from previous office didn’t invite me to join them for their island vacation

·         It’s been four months since I joined this new company and I’m still not in the office’s whatsapp group.

·         One of my colleague held a small birthday celebration at nearby restaurant and I was the only person whom was not invited

·         And many more other incidents and I’m too tired to dig it out from my wrecked brain and damaged heart

So all this while I thought all the people around me weren’t being nice to me, arrogant, selfish etc. But in this situation, maybe I was the one to be blamed. Right?

Besides the fact that I’m a fucking boring person, too negative, too lame, not adventurous and not attractive, being a helpless and not significant to others’ life were the case.

I need to change

If not for others, for myself

LOVE

I considered myself as not a lucky person when it comes to love. I’ve been a divorcee for the past 5 years. Since then I’ve been broken hearted twice. The wound weren’t that deep hence my capability to adapt to being broken for so many times. But wounds are still wounds.

Cuts are still cuts and it still hurts.

I need to erase “don’t take me seriously” and “not a wife material” signs that can be found all over my face.

SOLUTIONS:
·         Stop overthinking what others think of me for as long as I did nothing bad to them
·         Try to be more friendly
·         Accept the fact that I might end up being #foreveralone
·         Repeat
 
As for love, I might have to stop searching and focus on what’s in front of me.  
 
Do know that i will always give all of me when i love someone